Author: softwarepartner

Self care is greatly needed for mothers after the birth

Posted on by softwarepartner
January 31, 2020
3 minutes

Self care is greatly needed for mothers after the birth

The self care of mothers is one of the most important needs after birth to ensure the best physical and emotional health of them and their babies.

After all the waiting, months maybe even years dreaming of holding your precious baby in your arms, the moment has finally arrived. Congratulations!!! You are a mum and with that comes the overwhelming urge to be the caretaker for everyone. Unfortunately, with this insane desire to care for everyone else you forget the most important person, you! The self-care that you need to practice every day both as a new mum and a person is forgotten amongst the stresses and strains of family life.

We spend 9 months of our pregnancy being told to look after ourselves, take and get plenty of rest. Then bang – baby is born and you are forgotten about. Resting is not on the agenda and neither is taking care of yourself! But self-care is such an important part of being the best version of yourself. Not only for your own mental health but also so that you can be the best parent that you can!

Postpartum

This phase is not the same for every mother and each experience is very personal. For most the unimaginable love that you feel for this new tiny human is so overwhelming and euphoric that you think you are invincible. Until the exhaustion, after birth pain and general life makes you feel like there is a mountain on your shoulders. But it is at this time where you really need to be making time for your own self-care. I know that you are very far down that list of priorities. If you are on that list at all!

The first thing that you must do is ‘be kind to yourself’. Be prepared that you will not always get it right, nobody does. There will be times when the sink is full of dishes and nobody has clean clothes. But these things are far less important than your mental health and need to take care of yourself as well as you take care of your baby!

What is self-care?

When we think of self-care, I think we overcomplicate the idea. It can be as simple as watching the baby for a few hours so a new mum can get the rest that she so desperately needs. Dropping off a home-cooked meal to a new mum. Just so she doesn’t have to worry about a meal for the rest of the family that night. You would be surprised at how much these small things can mean to a struggling new mum.

Don’t get me wrong if you want to really go for it, then there are ways in which you can make a bigger ‘gift of time’ to the new mum. While the new mum is resting and you are watching the baby, give the house a quick tidy up or put in some laundry.

Wired to struggle

If you think about the first thing a baby does when it is born. Its first instinct is to cry. This is their way to communicate their need for food, touch, warmth or be soothed. This was your baby’s first signal of self-care. As a mother, you need to be in tune with not only your child’s need for self-care but also be able to hear your own cries for the same.

I will share a secret with you that took me many years to learn. One I still struggle with to this day. You must find a way to remember your self-worth and self-love. To remind yourself daily that you are as important as your child, partner, parent, dog or anyone else that you feel comes before you. The truth is that if you are not practicing self-care then you are not the best version of yourself! Which then means you are not being the best parent, partner or daughter that you can be.

For those days when you doubt your self-worth and there is no love for yourself, I am telling you that you are beautiful, special and deserve to live a life that you love!

Audre Lorde once wrote ‘I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.’ So, mama bear lets survive!!

How to choose the right nursery, mission impossible?

Posted on by softwarepartner
January 16, 2020
3 minutes

How to choose the right nursery, mission impossible?

Knowing how to choose the right nursery can be difficult. Here we look at some top tips to make it as easy as possible.

Any parent can find is hard to know how to choose the right nursery. If you live in a populated area, it’s likely that you have several options to choose from. Even if you only have a couple of choices, trying to figure out which one is best can be a headache. Here we look at ways to make the choice simpler. This will give you peace of mind that your child is going to a great nursery.

Make a list of your needs

The first step that you want to take is to make a list of what requirements you’ll have. This includes the hours that they are open, what time the can be dropped off/picked up and other considerations such as when they close down for holidays.

Location is also important. If you work far from your home then you need to consider whether it’d be more convenient to have them closer to work or home. Before you even start to look at nurseries, have a clear picture of exactly what you’re looking for.

Check their conditions

Once you have a list of potential nurseries, you want to check their conditions to see if you agree with them. What are the rules if you’re late picking your child up? What is their policy on sickness? What do you need to bring into the nursery?

These are all questions to be asked. There are other considerations such as the quality of food they will be serving. Also, what the process is on moving rooms as they go through the age groups? You don’t want to have any nasty surprises after your child has started.

Check the inspections

All nurseries will need to be inspected for their competence. All of these reports are made publicly available online. A good report will give you peace of mind that your child will be in a healthy environment whereas a bad report will ring warning bells.

A nursery shouldn’t necessarily be written off for a bad report. If it needs your needs, then see why they were marked down and what they are doing to improve it. Often a nursery with a bad report will be inspected again very soon. Check to see when a new report would be available.

Give them a visit

There is no better way to get a feel for a place than visiting it yourself. You will be able to see their range of activities, how they educate the children, the staff ratios and how the nursery workers interact with the children and between each other.

It is also a great opportunity to ask any questions to have further clarity. A lot of people don’t like to be nosy but this is one place where you want to know everything that you can. You will also get a feel for other aspects such as security and how the children will be protected.

Find references

As well as the inspection report from the authorities, you also want to check out reviews from other parents who placed their children into that nursery. Often parents will choose a nursery that has been recommended to them.

There are plenty of online resources where you will be able to check out reviews from parents. You can also ask in other areas such as social media for any options. It’s all a part of building up a picture of just how good the nursery is going to be.

Trust your instincts

You can start to stress yourself out if you start overthinking about which nursery would be best for your child. Thankfully all nurseries are inspected and therefore if there are any problems with them, they will be identified.

Your parental instincts will guide you in the right direction. As well as your child’s needs, you also have to consider your own. You don’t want to have to travel too far or pay more for childcare than you’re comfortable with.

How to choose the right nursery? As long as you follow these steps, you won’t go wrong. And in the blink of an eye you’ll be figuring out how to choose the right school!

New Year new beginnings

Posted on by softwarepartner
January 16, 2020
2 minutes

New Year new beginnings

New Year, new beginnings for parents that are far important than losing weight, dropping a coffee a day or pledging to go to the gym every day!

New Year, new beginnings, the time for change. It’s the time of year when everyone is thinking about big changes for the New Year ahead. These range from losing that baby weight, starting a new business or going back to the gym and sticking to it. But with all that’s going on in the world are these really the most important changes that we can make as parents. New Year, new beginnings need to be different for parents. They need to start off the New year less stressed and more focused!

New year new beginnings for parents

We are all so busy, rushing from one thing to the next. Never is this truer than for parents who are trying to juggle work, school, childcare, and 6 million other things. So at a time when we are pledging to make big changes for the year that lays ahead, where exactly should those changes be made to make the greatest difference to our lives. There are a few things that we can do as parents to ease ourselves into the new year.

New Year resolution of time

Find some time in the day, that you can give your child or children your undivided attention. That means no multi-tasking, no phones, no laptops, no distractions. This doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, it could be your bedtime routine, family dinner, walking the dog or playing on the floor. Try to find time in the day when you are both at your best and can really enjoy each other’s company. This time should be the best part of your day to strengthen your bond.

Let the small things slide

Our little people often test our patience to breaking point. This is not personal, it’s just their way of finding their way through this minefield of a life. So take a deep breath or several depending on what kind of day you have had and breathe! Try to get down to their level and understand their confusion and frustration. Help them to calm down and identify how they are feeling. If you try to relate you stand more chance of connecting with them and helping them find a solution. This should in turn help to lessen these outbursts and can be turned into a fantastic learning opportunity.

Don’t compare yourself to other parent’s

We are so committed to ensuring that our children have the best lives that we are often unkind to ourselves. But why wouldn’t we when we are bombarded with the lives of “perfect” parents on every form of social media. It’s hard to not compare ourselves but what we don’t see are the lives behind those photographs. What we need to do is stop adding those pressures to our already extremely stressful lives and concentrating on the things we may or may not be doing.

Instead, we need to focus on are WE doing everything that WE can to ensure our children live happy, healthy and productive lives. Priority needs to be given to building great relationships both with your partner and your children.

New Year, new beginnings…

Looking forward to a new year is so important. But being kind to ourselves as we navigate the worries, stresses and endless feelings of never quite getting this parenting thing right is the most important!!!!!

Potty training – The signs to look for and the highs and lows

Posted on by softwarepartner
December 11, 2019
3 minutes

Potty training – The signs to look for and the highs and lows

Potty Training – First hand experience, signs to look for and the highs and lows of this final frontier to becoming big kids.

Potty Training!

These two words can send cold shivers down the spine of the most seasoned parents. It can be difficult, messy and upsetting. Similarly, it can also very quickly become a competition in a group of seemingly normal adults.

So when is the right time to start potty training? 

Speaking from experience you most definitely have to wait until your child is ready. At 30 months I felt the peer pressure of my son not being potty trained. While his younger friends were and had been for a while. As a result of this pressure, I tried unsuccessfully on two separate occasions. I worried did he have some sort of developmental delay. Honestly, it was very stressful for both of us as my little boy was just not ready. 

It is best to wait until they are giving you signs. These can be things like they are aware that they are going to the toilet or they want their nappy changed straight away. It could even be that they show interest when you go to the toilet. The NHS website will give you more details of what to look out for.

Where to start with potty training?

So once your little one is showing signs that they are ready, you need to choose a method that is right for both of you. My advice is to do your research and decide on one that suits you. There are several different methods from the take them to the toilet every 15 minutes (just not realistic for most parents), the Three day Method to Potty training in a day. Then you need to have all your supplies ready such as potty, pants/knickers (a silly amount), cleaning supplies (lots of them) and a huge bucket load of patience and time.

You have to take the plunge, decide today is the day to start potty training and stop using nappies during the day time. You can not go back and forth between pants and nappies during the day as this can become very confusing for your little ones.

The next step is to accept that there will be mess, accidents and probably tears (mostly yours) along the way. But remember that this is a huge step for your little one. This is one of the last frontiers they need to conquer before finally being crowned a ‘big kid’.

First-Hand Experience

We used a method loosely based on a combination of everything I had read on the internet. He wore his own clothes but started with no pants on. I watched him like a hawk for any tell that he needed to go. His signal was to stand very still and hold himself, so when he did we rushed to the potty. Sometimes we were successful other times we were not. Day 1 of potty training was exhausting and messy but by day 2 to 3 he got it with no accidents. Two weeks on we have only had one accident. We have been on days out and shopping trips without any problems. Although, I am always well prepared with spare clothes and potty in tow.

Success or failure

So what do you count as a success in the potty training minefield? well if any pee or poo actually makes it to the potty- that is a huge win! Do a potty dance, shout hooray on top of your voice, whatever you do to celebrate.

Not every day will be a success and there will be days where accidents happen.  Don’t worry this happens to all children when they are first learning and practicing their new ‘big kid’ skill.

My pre-parent self never thought that she would worry so much about another persons wee and poo as much as I do now. This is one of the lows of parenting, where you realize there are no boundaries as to what you will talk about with another adult and even complete stranger. Yet the joy on their face when they realise they can do it themselves is worth every mess, tear, and frustration that you will ever feel. Remember this is just the beginning…..

How do I know when it’s the right time to have a baby?

Posted on by softwarepartner
November 28, 2019
3 minutes

How do I know when it’s the right time to have a baby?

Who can say when it’s the right time to have a baby? It’s a very personal question to answer, but by weighing up some of these factors, only you can say when it is the right time. Considering work, your relationship, finances and balancing life and children can be the key to identifying when the time is right for you.

So, when is the right time to have a baby? In the movies, if a woman takes a pregnancy test, one of two things happens. She either cries with joy or falls to the floor in tears of fear and panic. In real life, it’s more complicated than that.

For me, I was about 97% joyful. I was 24, married and living in a beautiful home. It was what we planned for, but I still couldn’t help but think about how a baby was going to affect my career. Was this the right time to have a baby?

I was scared. I hadn’t quite mastered putting my laundry away after washing it, how was I going to be a mom and maintain some semblance of a life? Had I done everything that I should have? Should I have gone on one more big vacation? Should I have secured at least one more promotion? Was I ready to start ‘baby’ chapter of my life?

Timing

Women are having babies later in life than ever before. It’s difficult to avoid the fact that biology plays a part in how easy or difficult it can be to have a child.

One question that would run through my head was ‘Do I want to be an older mom?’ Being a young mom meant I would have the energy to enjoy my children. This meant taking a career break. I watched my friends move up in their careers, buy bigger houses, and go on luxurious holidays while I stayed at home and tried to manoeuvre  a 2-year-old with a 3-month-old attached to me!

My friends that waited to have children had secured their positions at work, had beautiful homes and great experiences under their belts. The obstacles they faced were biological. Some fell pregnant easily, some had to wait years and some turned to IVF for help.

Work

While your career may be progressing well, it’s important to consider your employer’s maternity package. Many employers require you to be a permanent member of staff for at least 18 months before employees can claim their maternity packages. Having seniority, experience and credibility can make it easier when you return to work. You won’t be starting from scratch to build their trust in you to work flexibly and manage your responsibilities.

Your relationship

This sounds obvious, but your relationship needs to be in a healthy state. There seems to be an old school of thought around a baby fixing your relationship issues. I can assure you, it won’t. A baby can add an immense amount of stress to even the strongest of relationships. 

If you’re facing issues in your relationship and are looking for some help, this is not the right time to have a baby.  Women especially can fall victim to the pressures of society when it comes to having children. Listen to your voice and be confident that you are making the best decision for yourself and your family.

Money

Having a baby is expensive. While initial costs associated with having a baby seem manageable, childcare can be a strain. Our nursery costs were comparable to having a second mortgage! Do some research into nurseries and nannies in your area to see what this means for you and your partner.

Friendships

You may not think that a baby will affect your friendships, but being the first in your group to have a child can leave you somewhat lonely. Having a few friends with children can be a great support, especially as a new mother. There are also groups like NCT that can help in making new friends with children in your area. I have been guilty of telling friends considering if it’s the right time to have a baby to ‘go for it’. I love being a mom, and they will too, right? Maybe not!

The right time

Who can say when it’s the right time to have a baby? It’s a very personal question to answer, but by weighing up some of these factors, only you say when it is the right time. Throw away your pre-baby bucket list and don’t expect to be 100% ready. If you do find out that you are pregnant, rest assured that you can make it work if you want to, like you always do!

Developmental Delay: How to cope as a parent

Posted on by softwarepartner
November 28, 2019
3 minutes

Developmental Delay: How to cope as a parent

Developmental delay in children and how to cope when milestones are not met. Useful links for advice, guidance and professional help.

When our children are born, they are so tiny and perfect. As parents, we do everything that we think we are supposed to do, breastfeeding, babyweaning and wooden toys. Our journey as parents comes with many trials and tribulations from not latching, colic, teething, and nappy rash. Most of these we deal with without missing a beat. However, developmental delay is one that stops us parents in our tracks and knocks us flat.

Skills, like talking, smiling, walking, crawling or sitting unaided, are also known as developmental milestones. These can predictable happen at certain ages for the majority of children. However, for a child with a developmental delay, these milestones either do not happen at all or they are much slower reaching them than expected. 

As parents, we know our children and we know when something is not quite right. They may not be smiling, listening or responding to their name. They may not be sitting, rolling over or crawling. Firstly if you have any concerns, they should be addressed with your health visitor or GP. NHS family support can offer further advice and guidance.

Developmental delay is not your child starting to walk at 18 months when your best friend’s son was walking at 9 months. This is when major milestones are not being achieved by our children. This is when we as parents must step up and seek help for both them and ourselves.

Who can help with developmental delay?

Professional help is always the best place to start for any developmental delay issues. This could be in the form of physiotherapists if your child requires help sitting up, crawling or walking. Speech and language therapists will be able to assess your child and provide advice with regards to speech or language delay. Occupational therapists provide help for those struggling with everyday tasks like dressing or feeding. Educational psychologist if your child needs help with learning or an educational setting.

You need to prepare yourself that the professionals will need to ask questions and carry out developmental assessments to pinpoint the issue and the best course of action for your individual child.

Coping with your feelings When A Development Delay Is Identified

You will have to deal with many feelings, as you navigate a different path than you had pictured with your child. The feelings of failure, the judgment from other parents and the embarrassment. There will be some difficult times ahead, with some very difficult emotions to deal with. Especially those that you have somehow let your child down, that you did or did not do something that you should have. 

This is not the case, a developmental delay may occur for many reasons. These could be genetic conditions such as downs syndrome or complications during pregnancy or birth, like premature birth. Long term illness, family stress or long periods of hospitalization often cause short term delays.

Talking to other parents in a similar situation or that have been through it can provide a way to deal with these emotions. Other parents can also provide great support and valuable information to you at this difficult time. 

Let People In When Dealing With A Development Delay

Just because your mum friends have not been through or are not going through the same experience as you, do not isolate yourself. Arrange the playdates, go for coffee and celebrate the tough job you do of being a mum-especially with the extra challenges that you are dealing with. These ladies will be there to offer support, advice or just listen to you vent your frustration. Now more than ever is when you need the support of other Mums.

Do Not Let A Development Delay Define Them

Simply because your child has not reached one milestone or maybe two, does not mean that they have not achieved any. A developmental delay does not define your child, it is just a page in their story that you will eventually turn. Take joy in what they have achieved and not by what they still have to achieve.

Celebrate who they are, if they have a wicked sense of humour or a death-defying zest for adventure. They may be the kindest soul you have ever encountered. As parents, we have much to learn from our children.

Finding It Difficult To Conceive? This May Help You

Posted on by softwarepartner
November 22, 2019
3 minutes

Finding It Difficult To Conceive? This May Help You

A survivor’s guide to how to get pregnant faster, cope with disappointment and five of the best fertility aids

It occurred to me, as I lay with my legs against the wall and pelvis lifted to better encourage fertilization; ovulation testers scattered liberally over my dressing table; that there had to be an easier way. There is nothing more unappealing than waiting for the ovulation window to be open before having soulless and unsatisfying sex as many times as possible before the window shuts again. Sex became a means to an end, a chore that had to be done to produce an end result.  Finding it difficult to conceive can lead to many frustrations for all those involved to say the least.

Reasons You Might Be Finding It Difficult to Conceive And What Could Help

Problems conceiving can take us to a very dark place indeed and according to the NHS Website affect up to 1 in 7 couples. The main problems include:-

  • A blockage in the fallopian tubes
  • Low sperm count/ sperm not moving
  • Not producing eggs
  • endometriosis (womb lining growing outside of the womb)
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease and PCOS

I was suffering with “Secondary infertility”. Having conceived easily once my ovaries had become a barren wasteland. Almost half of infertility cases fall into this category, a huge 4 million people. Every month I would convince myself that my breasts had swollen, that I tasted metal and that my period was late, so I would rush out to get a pregnancy test only to find that, yet again, I wasn’t pregnant.

So, how do you overcome problems with conceiving and move on? Practically, you can eat a healthy diet, drink less alcohol, stop smoking and exercise more. The NHS offers some great advice and a wide range of fertility treatments to help increase your sperm count, clean the lining of the womb and encourage ovulation as well as the better known IUI and IVF. 

7 Easy tips to help overcome mental blocks

The tendency to ask “Why is this happening to me?” is all consuming when we try to conceive and fail. The temptation is to fall down the rabbit hole of self pity, loss and despair. And yet, baby and toddler groups are full of women who once were told that they could not have children until their little miracle came along. I tried every fertility aid in my ever more desperate attempts to get pregnant. Here are some tips to stop you cracking up in the meantime:-

  • Be grateful for the good that you have in your life, and use the loving energy you would give to your newborn to other parts or people in your life. Helping others helps put our own problems into perspective.
  • Visualise your child with you, talk to them, reassure them and send loving thoughts to them.
  • Step away from social media if seeing endless posts of new mother’s happiness or other people’s babies is too much for you to bear.
  • Do all of the things you will not be able to do once the baby arrives – travel, play sports, volunteer, go to the theatre.
  • Do seek help, it’s better to know what you are facing than to just blindly hope for the best.
  • Consider other options such as IVF, surrogacy, fostering or even adoption.
  • Invest in and protect your relationship, you are both in it together.

Fertility Aids If You Are Finding It Difficult To Conceive

The market is saturated with products that promise to improve your chances of conception and improve fertility. Here are some of the most popular:-

  • Fertility supplements – vitamins to improve sperm flow, improve the health of your reproductive organs and more
  • Ovulation Kits – Tell you when you are at your most fertile and most likely to conceive.
  • Fertility Calendars – Help to track your most fertile times and explain when you would get a positive pregnancy test.
  • Lubricants – Can help sperm move faster and better and match your internal PH balance.
  • Old wives tales – Rosemary under the bed, honey and cinnamon, raising your legs and pelvis after ejaculation and holding a newborn.

I was lucky, I was blessed with several more children. However, I will never forget the feeling of despair and loss while I was trying to conceive. Unfortunately, some people never manage to give birth to a healthy child. Although there are alternatives, such as surrogacy, adoption and fostering; coming to terms with not being a natural mother can take years. There is help and counselling available for anyone struggling with infertility.

Naughty Behaviour May Not Be The Issue

Posted on by softwarepartner
October 11, 2019
3 minutes

Naughty Behaviour May Not Be The Issue

When your little darling suddenly transforms into a raging, disobedient whirlwind we might be too quick as parents to classify this as simply naughty behaviour.   There may be something going on however, that you as a parent, need to help sort out.

Screaming For Attention

My son is in Year 1 at school. He’s a summer baby and is therefore only just 5-years-old. One evening, last week, my little ray of sunshine came home and proceeded to swipe all the heads off my geraniums with a spade. Excellent! He completely massacred them. It was an intentional act to upset me (because he has spent the summer looking after them as he knows they make me happy). He then began pushing his 3-year-old brother about and continued throughout the evening being aggressive and disobedient. He was obviously screaming for attention.

Why The Change In Behaviour?

I was concerned about why there was a change in behaviour, but I needed him to know that what he had done was wrong. He lost ten stars on his sticker chart for the naughty behaviour and was made to apologise to his brother. I then backed up the ‘punishment’ with lots of positive 121 attention and asked him if everything was all right at school. He mentioned the names of a couple of kids who were chasing and teasing him. Now, I’m a reasonable mother (I like to think!) and understand that it is hard to obtain an accurate picture from a little boy who can’t remember what he had for school lunch that day. However, convinced that something must be a bit askew, I decided to ask his teacher for a quick chat. I’d email the school and arrange an appointment.

A sudden change in your child’s behaviour should always raise alarm bells. Metamorphosing from a sweet, happy child into a raging, spade wielding crazy boy cannot be explained as simple naughty behaviour. There had to be a reason – nothing had changed at home; thus, it was natural to assume something was happening at school.

He had no issue going into school, as usual, the following day. However, at pick-up time, he said: “Today was a good day as no-one tried to hurt me.” I turned on my heel and went straight back into school. I abandoned my ‘email the school’ approach within a split-second, and I sat down with his teacher there and then.

Nip It In The Bud

His teacher was lovely and declared that all playground staff would be informed.  Extra care would be taken to ensure my child was happy at playtimes and that no misdemeanours were occurring. She assured him that he must speak to an adult whenever he felt concerned. I felt 100% reassured and glad I decided to ‘nip it in the bud.’ It might be just an incidence of the game of ‘chase’ going wrong, or maybe a case of my boy being too sensitive.  But it could be bullying, and thus, quite rightly, everyone needs to be vigilant. No child should worry about playtimes at school, especially when they are only just 5-years-old.

All young children go through periods where they are unhappy or generally worried about something that they cannot verbalise. It is our job, as parents, to be aware that when they act out of character.  The resulting naughty behaviour may actually mean something is probably a little wrong in their world and they do not know how to handle it. The teacher advised my little one how to say no to being chased in the playground and what to do when something was happening that he didnt like. I backed it up by telling him that he should always talk to her if he were feeling worried or sad. 

Determine If Your Child Is Feeling Worried

Here’s a list of other behaviours that your child might display if they are feeling worried about something:

  • Becoming withdrawn
  • Hesitance or refusal to go to nursery/school
  • Being clingy
  • Crying more than usual
  • Showing irritability and moodiness

Looking At The Bigger Picture

My son needed me to step in and help him out, and I know that he was happy that I did. In his head, there was a big issue, but I had made it go away. If I had reacted to the geranium swiping naughty behaviour by yelling and had not looked at the bigger picture, I believe I would have been coming home the next night to smashed up toys, more dead plants and general disobedience. More importantly, my son would still have been unhappy, worried and upset.

Next time your child transforms into a raging machine or a clingy kid, think about why. Then, don your super-hero cape and sort it out for them, because that’s what we are here to do.