Category: Life & Career
Parent Guilt Is Something Dads Feel Too
Parent Guilt Is Something Dads Feel Too
Feeling bad about not being at home with your kids during the working week? We have 4 tips for Dads in alleviating that dreaded parent guilt.
Whether you work irregular shifts consisting of early starts or night work; or commute long distances to work, you will probably find yourself suffering with parental guilt. Namely – frustrated you are not at home with your family as much as you wish.
Your partner may send you updates on how the evening routine has gone; they may send you cute pics of the kids in their pyjamas. You may even sneak in some Facetime to speak and see one another. But you are stuck at work, or you are still over one hour away from getting through the door. Your train is also delayed. Up steps parent guilt. You don’t let on to your partner or the kids, but deep inside you feel bad about not being physically able to read them a bedtime story.
Book A Day Off During The Week
The next day you arrive for work, ensure the first thing you do before you check the emails or grab a coffee is to book a day off during the week. It is annual leave after all. You may see this as a waste of a day, but you will be surprised at how good it feels to break up your working week by spending it with your child/ren. Use it to spend the day at home playing games and making a mess; you could go to the beach; have a picnic in the garden; you could do the school runs you wish you did. The day is your oyster.
Yes, your kid may have childcare arrangements in place at a nursery, childminder or grandparents, but you are the parent, you can do as you wish if it means your priceless bonding with you children improves.
Request Simple Flexible Working Alterations
If your commute is so long and frustrating at times, maybe think about requesting an opportunity to work from home a couple of times per week. Or have a chat to see whether you could start or finish early/later. Employers have a legal duty to listen to these requests and must come up with very good business reasons to deny them. Slightly tweaking your working hours and conditions, can free you up to walk your child to school or to pick them from nursery at lunchtime. It can provide you with simple opportunities to do normal, every-day parenting thing which some take for granted.
Use Shift Working To Your Advantage
Working anti-social hours will mean you are off when your own friends and family members are at work. But your mornings off or your weekly Wednesday off may mean you can be daddy for the day. You and your child all day. And no-one is going to get in the way. Not even tiredness. Truly make the most of these times you have with them. Yes, your body clock may be shot to pieces, you are lethargic and can’t really make the effort in doing much. But these are the days which will swim by in the blink of an eye. Make this the time you put 100% effort in; lots of energy; plans and above all else, lots of laughter.
Take Your Child To Work
More and more employers are holding events where you can bring your children to work with you for the day. Why not take them up on this and bring your own? Make sure to ask them if they are aware of a pioneering initiative that Employees Matter has been rolling out across coporate Britain since 2013 called ‘bring your child to work day’. If you commute on a train and endure lonely, stressful journeys, what better way to cheer you up than having your child with you to experience it with you. When you are having a tough day or commute, you can fondly remember the moment your son or daughter joined you on the trip and made you smile. And they can get a sense of where you go every day.
Give them a Kiss Goodnight
Even if you are late home or it is midnight, never feel afraid to pop in to your child’s room to tuck them in and peck them on the cheek to wish them a good night… Even if they are busy dreaming about dinosaurs or breakfast… These type of small gestures help immensely when you feel that parent guilt strike.
Stay At Home Dads: How To Become Less Isolated
Stay At Home Dads: How To Become Less Isolated
Being a stay at home dad can be a lonely place. You may not interact with another adult all day – how can you begin to alleviate isolation?
Bonds Are Formed
Being at home and present for your children is hugely beneficial for both parent and child. For the children it increases their bond with their main caregiver; it gives them a sense of security, routine and familiarity to be able to flourish. For the parent it also aids in their bonding and re-enforces the importance of the responsibility you have in raising a child. After-all, the first few years of a child’s life can shape their future. It is where brain connections are formed, secure relationships are created, and their personality evolves.Where Are All The Other Stay At Home Dads?
But being a stay at home dad can be a lonely place at times. Especially for a dad, as there are far fewer of them around. Most organised get-togethers and parent groups are attended predominantly by females. A dad can often feel out of place by this and may not even bother trying them out. And isolation can therefore increase.Its Probably In Your Head, So Give It A Go
Female dominant groups should not be a threat as we are all parents. But there may be an underlying feeling amongst dad’s that these groups are a space for mums. And any dad who attends may be perceived by him as a token or a surprise. In my experience, this is not true. Yes, baby groups are very female orientated and clear cliques are formed amongst groups, but I never felt I was being watched or judged as a dad attending these fun-filled sessions with my daughter. You need to be brave and take the plunge in giving them a go.Some Options For Stay At Home Dads
Getting involved in your community
This depends on your personality, but if you are an outgoing type of person, you may wish to get involved with your local church. Activities and events include breakfast mornings with your kids, fun-days and family events such as Messy Church – where families are welcome to attend church…to get messy! Give your local sing-a-long group a go. Once you get over the initial embarrassment of singing, ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ amongst strangers, you may be surprised at how much you (and your baby of course) enjoy it. You get out what you put in. If you don’t make the effort with other parents when attending, they will more than likely ignore you also. It is all about being confident in yourself and making that first move. Baby and toddler groups are not everyone’s cup of tea, granted, and some are soulless, but with the correct research you may be able to find the right one to suit you. (and your child).Children and Family Centre
Find your local centre to research what they can offer you as a stay at home dad. All offer something uniquely different – if it is just a simple space to be amongst adults chatting and watching their kids play freely, then try it out. All it takes is to strike up one conversation and your isolation may begin to diminish. Who knows you may find other lonely dads in the same position as yourself. Sensory rooms are a fantastic alternative. These are usually hired out for the hour with other parents and can be a great place for your child to be introduced to their senses. All the while you are surrounded by like-minded parents.Friends who are dads
Being a stay at home dad, you will have quickly realised that you will be few and far between – especially within your own network of friends. Do any of your current dad friends work shifts — meaning they are potentially available with their children during the week? Give them a call and meet up.Meet your partner at work for lunch
Having a breadwinner and a stay at home parent can inevitably cause some tension in your own relationship. You may be passing ships in the night or may simply not have as many meaningful moments together as you once did. If your partner works reasonably close to your home, arrange to meet during their lunch break. Not only will it put a smile on you and your kid’s face, but it may make your partners day. Before you know it, other partners are doing the same and you have a regular meet-up at lunch times!Research and join a dad network group
Sometimes stay at home dads just want to be around other dads to talk about man stuff. More and more groups are out there which aim to bring lonely dad’s together. Even if it is just initially online network building, this can lead on to organised meetups. These can be times when you can all chat and discuss the trials and tribulations of fatherhood; perhaps let off a little steam, or maybe just somewhere you can be to make new friends.Parent Work-Life Balance Can Be Achieved
Parent Work-Life Balance Can Be Achieved
Parents of all ages are in search of that perfect work-life balance. A utopia where juggling your career with your home life to achieve happiness. But where do we begin?
It is a good idea to start by asking yourself what YOU require. Not what an employer wants, or a friend has. WHAT. DO. I. NEED. TO MAKE. THIS. HAPPEN?
Put In A Flexible Working Request To Improve Your Parent Work-Life Balance
During the midst of parenting, you often realise that your kids will not be young forever. There will come a time where they will pick their friends over you. And this can be tough to deal with as a parent. For you, it may be important to be around more than you currently find yourself, because in the blink of an eye they will be off backpacking around the world. Tell yourself what would work perfectly for you and your family. Maybe you wish to do the school-runs in the morning so your partner can get to work earlier. Or maybe you want to be at home earlier in order to eat as a family and put your children to bed. Lay the foundations by meeting with your employer to discuss what could be supported for you to achieve a more healthy work-life balance as a parent. You have a legal working right to request flexible working. And they are legally obliged to listen to this request. Maybe see whether you can start or finish earlier; how about working from home so you can pick them up from nursery, pre-school or school? Other options include condensed working hours, part-time working or just an employer’s ability to remain flexible to your needs.
Create A ‘Date Jar’ With Your Partner
You are still a couple and love one another. You are both the reason your kid(s) are here. The partnership should not stop just because you are now parents. Yes, things will change, but instead, think of your relationship as evolving, and as such work-life balance needs to be adjusted accordingly. A good idea is to think of past dates you have been on together and future ones you would like to try out. Write them down without the other partner seeing and pop them in a jar. Then once every month or 2 — or whenever you see fit, pick one from the jar and make it happen. Little or big. You both deserve it. If you are lucky enough to have a good support network around you, do not feel guilty about asking for a babysitter. Everyone will benefit — both parents get to spend some quality time together; your kids are looked after by somebody you trust, and friends or family get the joy of bonding with your children. If you are struggling for a babysitter or are a single parent, there are specialist childcare agencies who appoint ad-hoc babysitters for you.
Make Time For Yourself To Achieve a Parent Work-Life Balance
Ok, maybe not straight after the birth. Ignore the first couple months. They are a washout. But don’t let this become the norm. It will be easy and unwise to just carry on neglecting yourself as a human. Your well-being is directly linked to the well-being of your kids. Making time exclusively for yourself is one of the best things you can do in this pursuit of a work-life balance. It is not selfish to think of yourself every so often, remember you are more than just a parent. Re-connect with friends for a catch-up, read that sci-fi book you keep meaning to read; write a poem. Anything you used to enjoy pre-parenthood, see whether you can dedicate a little time for this per week or month.
Create Realistic Expectations On Yourself And Your Family
Things may not go according to plan at times. Life happens. Your house resembles a tip. The bathroom was not cleaned because the food shop arrived late. You forgot to wash the school uniform. The eldest refuses to put their shoes on at the 36th time of asking. You get the picture. Accepting that when it comes to parenting, it can get extremely overwhelming and chaotic. It is a good idea therefore to slightly adjust your mindset. Set small realistic goals for the day/week or month knowing that these will be achieved. And if they are not, relax, go and make yourself a coffee. If the washing up has not been done. Don’t fret. Do it when the kids are in bed. Ignore the mess. Create more if you like. Attacking the chaos and pandemonium with a relaxed attitude may stand you in good stead at realising that things are going just fine. And you are doing a really good job.
If you enjoyed this article, please read our article on work-life balance from a mother’s perspective: Can you really have a work/life balance as a parent?
Work Life Balance As A Mum, Is it Possible?
Work Life Balance As A Mum, Is it Possible?
Career or kids? Is it possible to have it all? There are a hundred different ways to balance work and home life and my story is just one example.
I Wanted To Be A Full Time Mum
I have always worked from home. Very early on, I decided I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. My ex-husband travelled internationally and was away throughout the working week. I didn’t want the kids to grow up with both of us working all the time. With the birth of my first child, I happily waved goodbye to my career, my salary, my company car and became a full-time mum.
Over the last nineteen years, I’ve popped out four delightful kids. Earning money from my kitchen table (although not a lot of it) has enabled me to be there in the early years and then after school. I have been able to share in the joy of Christmas school plays, attend parents’ evenings and not miss out on any significant events in any of my kids’ lives. I’ve had the time to prepare family meals and take on school arty, crafty projects with enthusiasm. Our weekends have always been relaxed because I did not have to cram every hairdressing, banking, dental and doctor appointment into the nooks and crannies of time. In essence, it’s been stress-free. The downside? Well of course, there is always a downside and it is that I have not fulfilled any personal career, financial or travel ambitions. I admire, greatly, the women that have.
All I Need Is A Fool Proof Mummy Plan For A Great Work Life Balance?
However, nine months ago, with all four kids in full-time education, I decided that it was the perfect time to get a ‘proper job’. The kind where you have to turn up on time and can’t leave when you want to. I picked teaching. I thought that getting into teaching, rather than business, would be simple. Particularly as the country is desperate for secondary school teachers, but no…it was challenging and arduous. There were lengthy application forms and personal statements to complete, interviews with exams, teaching assessments and role-plays as well as literacy and numeracy exams to pass. I did it all, and in September, I began my Initial Teacher Training (a combination of in-school and full-time university hours).
I lasted 3 weeks.
To ensure a healthy work life balance as a mum who did not want to ‘drop the ball’ with the kids, I had prepared everything perfectly: laundry, meals, cleaning, ironing, bed-changing, school drop-offs and pick-ups, after-school clubs, bus passes for the teens, shopping and everything else we all know it takes to run a house with four kids in it. I was super organised with almost military precision. Clothes hung in my wardrobe in colour coordinated order, the house was immaculate, and my diary was planned to within an inch of its life. My home office was ready for all the university homework, future lesson planning and marking. My freezer was also full of pre-cooked meals. I left the house at 7.00am at the latest and got home at around 5.30pm. I worked all evening, once the little ones were asleep, and every weekend too.
The Plan For A Great Work Life Balance Didnt Go To Plan
I missed my third child’s first day of school. I can tell you that FaceTime doesn’t ‘cut the mustard’ when you’re feeling guilty. By the time three weeks had passed my house was a catastrophe. The kids’ routines were all over the place, and I was exhausted. Trying to actually build a career, do Masters level studies and be the same mum that I was before was just impossible. I couldn’t be ‘less’ of a mum, if that makes sense. I’d spent nineteen years parenting in a particular way and being ‘less of a parent’ is like asking someone to ‘dumb down’.
It’s just not possible, no matter how hard you try and plan for a better work life balance as a mum. Not in my case anyway. The kids could not adjust either. I have always been diligent so I couldn’t perform less well at work and ‘drop a few balls’ there. So the balls that I had to drop were the housework jobs, stress-free evenings and weekends, being on top of school admin, sleep, laundry and….looking after my kids.
“One-half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it” – Sidney Howard
I knew I had to stop. We were all unhappy. Part of me hurt that I had jumped through so many hoops to be accepted. I desperately wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I wanted the career, the job security (the pension); and I desperately wanted to work with children and make a difference. But it was all at the expense of my personal sanity and my family’s happiness.
Trying to have it all is, in my opinion, un-achievable. Work life balance as a mum is near impossible, as something is always sacrificed. I could have undertaken a part-time job and managed, but a career, for me, was simply unattainable. The relief of quitting teaching was palpable. I will miss, however, just being me and being pretty good at something other than parenting; even if it was only for three little weeks.
Today, I find myself sat back at my kitchen table, working from home around the kids. Just as I always did. I will never be rich, but I will always be happy.
If you enjoyed this article, please read our article on work-life balance from a father’s perspective: 4 Tips on How to Achieve a Great Work-Life Balance
Parenting Multiple Kids, The Ups And Downs
Parenting Multiple Kids, The Ups And Downs
Baby milk, book bags and teenage dramas. Parenting four kids on five hours sleep.
Today’s The Day
I am huge. I am scared. Today’s the day we welcome baby number four into the world. I am grateful my mum is here. She helps me keep myself together. Even at my age I don’t want my mum to think my parenting skills are on the floor and I’m flaky. Hubby is already in the car and the engine is running. He’s the calm type so I know he’ll not start beeping the horn or shouting for me to hurry up. I take advantage and take my time. I am fussing over my 16-month-old, making sure Mum has all the instructions and my 14-year-old son is sorted. The date has been in my diary for weeks, but I am still not ready. I cluck, and cluck around them all some more. Kisses and hugs are done and so, almost reluctantly, I heave my massive body into the passenger seat.
Parenting Multiple Kids Means Your Head Is Always Busy
Hubby drives slowly and deliberately. There’s nothing new in that, he always drives slowly and it usually sends me potty although it doesn’t today. My mind is preoccupied, not with the scary prospect of birthing a baby, but with my girl. My beautiful, 15-year-old who is currently aboard a flight to Sri-Lanka. Why today of all days? Will she be ok and how will I know if she lands safely? Did she remember to pack her charger? Is she sat next to someone nice? It is always like this.
My mind is constantly thinking of one of them and adding another into the mix will soon make my head an even busier place to hang out. This is the absolute essence of being a mum of four. A perpetual, underlying anxiousness about each child without the possibility to be everything to each one of them at the same time. Parenting teens is hard. Parenting toddlers is also hard. I reason that I can’t do anything about the flight and it would be stupid to call Mum and check she has gotten the hang of the milk prep machine. Worrying doesn’t help, that’s what ‘they’ say isn’t it? So, I resolve to focus on the new baby.
About to Deliver And All I Can Think About How The Other Kids Are
I waddle, like a duck, along the long corridors with their coloured stripes navigating the sick and the infirm to where they need to be. Not that I am either. It’s a good 5 minutes until we reach the labour ward and the familiar smell and the bright lights hit me hard. Butterflies invade me immediately. I might be an ‘old hat’ at this baby business, but I’ve not had a planned birth before and I am nervous. We get checked into Hotel Hospital and I wonder if the boy caught the bus on time and ate his breakfast before leaving, or if he decided to grab crisps and chocolate from Tesco’s on the high street, which he knows I’d hate?
Parenting Multiple Kids Means Multiple Responsibilities And Worries
We know we are having a boy and we have chosen his name. We didn’t find out with the others but something about being pregnant six months after the birth of the last one drove the need to be practical rather than romantic. Thirty-nine weeks later and he is here. He is beautiful and I feel like it is the first time I have done this. I am overwhelmed by love and although I can’t hold him, Hubby places him close to my face and I nuzzle him. I am in love with this perfect little thing. He has red hair, just like his big sister. My mind immediately wanders. Has she landed yet? Parenting responsibilities and worries never leave us.
Juggling Is A Mandatory Art When You Are Parenting Multiple Kids
With a blink of an eye, we are back to reality and I am knee deep in everyone talking at me at once. I often think of my mummy job as being like a sign-post. 24/7 trouble-shooting and looking for solutions to teen and toddler problems. Why weren’t they born with a parenting guide? An additional baby doesn’t make that much difference at this stage. I carry him everywhere whilst wiping pureed foods off the walls, signing permission slips, looking for lost school planners, playing with brightly coloured plastic toys that make way too much noise, listening to teenage dramas and making copious amounts of coffee, my drug of choice to get me through the madness.
A Balance Can Be Found For The New Reality
In the last three years there has never been a time where all four children were swimming harmoniously along the river of life at the same time. There’s always one that needs more of me than another. Learning to prioritise is the only way to keep the ship afloat, and sometimes I am just relieved that we got through the day. Matching socks are a thing of the past along with ironed clothes and clean floors. I have replaced them with a house full of love, the ability to rock and roll on 5 hours sleep and have ‘winging’ it down to a fine art.
Raising and parenting four humans is a tough gig and messing up is inevitable; but there is no better reward than seeing your kids happy with themselves, with you and with each other. Worry you will, but the joy will always be worth it.
