Category: General parenting

Parent Guilt Is Something Dads Feel Too

Posted on by softwarepartner
September 6, 2019
3 minutes

Parent Guilt Is Something Dads Feel Too

Feeling bad about not being at home with your kids during the working week? We have 4 tips for Dads in alleviating that dreaded parent guilt.

Whether you work irregular shifts consisting of early starts or night work; or commute long distances to work, you will probably find yourself suffering with parental guilt. Namely – frustrated you are not at home with your family as much as you wish.

Your partner may send you updates on how the evening routine has gone; they may send you cute pics of the kids in their pyjamas. You may even sneak in some Facetime to speak and see one another. But you are stuck at work, or you are still over one hour away from getting through the door. Your train is also delayed. Up steps parent guilt. You don’t let on to your partner or the kids, but deep inside you feel bad about not being physically able to read them a bedtime story.

Book A Day Off During The Week

The next day you arrive for work, ensure the first thing you do before you check the emails or grab a coffee is to book a day off during the week. It is annual leave after all. You may see this as a waste of a day, but you will be surprised at how good it feels to break up your working week by spending it with your child/ren.  Use it to spend the day at home playing games and making a mess; you could go to the beach; have a picnic in the garden; you could do the school runs you wish you did. The day is your oyster.

Yes, your kid may have childcare arrangements in place at a nursery, childminder or grandparents, but you are the parent, you can do as you wish if it means your priceless bonding with you children improves.

Request Simple Flexible Working Alterations

If your commute is so long and frustrating at times, maybe think about requesting an opportunity to work from home a couple of times per week. Or have a chat to see whether you could start or finish early/later. Employers have a legal duty to listen to these requests and must come up with very good business reasons to deny them. Slightly tweaking your working hours and conditions, can free you up to walk your child to school or to pick them from nursery at lunchtime. It can provide you with simple opportunities to do normal, every-day parenting thing which some take for granted.

Use Shift Working To Your Advantage

Working anti-social hours will mean you are off when your own friends and family members are at work. But your mornings off or your weekly Wednesday off may mean you can be daddy for the day. You and your child all day. And no-one is going to get in the way. Not even tiredness. Truly make the most of these times you have with them. Yes, your body clock may be shot to pieces, you are lethargic and can’t really make the effort in doing much. But these are the days which will swim by in the blink of an eye. Make this the time you put 100% effort in; lots of energy; plans and above all else, lots of laughter.

Take Your Child To Work

More and more employers are holding events where you can bring your children to work with you for the day. Why not take them up on this and bring your own? Make sure to ask them if they are aware of a pioneering initiative that Employees Matter has been rolling out across coporate Britain since 2013 called ‘bring your child to work day’.  If you commute on a train and endure lonely, stressful journeys, what better way to cheer you up than having your child with you to experience it with you. When you are having a tough day or commute, you can fondly remember the moment your son or daughter joined you on the trip and made you smile. And they can get a sense of where you go every day.

Give them a Kiss Goodnight

Even if you are late home or it is midnight, never feel afraid to pop in to your child’s room to tuck them in and peck them on the cheek to wish them a good night… Even if they are busy dreaming about dinosaurs or breakfast… These type of small gestures help immensely when you feel that parent guilt strike.

School Holidays Are Over. Lets Get Your Kids Back to School

Posted on by softwarepartner
September 2, 2019
3 minutes

School Holidays Are Over. Lets Get Your Kids Back to School

It’s that time of the year again when your child is returning to school after the never-ending summer holiday. How do you prepare?

Getting Back To The Swing Of Things After The School Holidays

Late nights, daily ice cream van visits and endless snack requests are ending abruptly for the kids. Their un-structured, lengthy escape into the summer wilderness is over. Reverting to their usual mundane school routine may seem daunting as parents as you may have let discipline slip slightly. You have got used to loosening your grip on their bedtime and sugar calorie consumption.

So how do you get back into the swing of things?

The School Holidays Are Over And You Have Survived

Firstly. Relax. Take a breather. You are in the same boat as millions of other parents. You have survived the monster summer holidays. And so have your kids. Yes, your sense of humour and patience may have diminished somewhat, but hey, summer holidays will live long in the memory of our kids. Even if they ask for a snack three minutes after scoffing down their Weetabix. Or whether they want dinner at breakfast time.

The School Uniform

Most parents will probably get themselves worked up by rushing off on a wild school uniform goose chase to supermarkets. Before you do, take a walk in to your kid’s bedrooms and locate their school uniform from the previous academic year. In other words, clothes they wore six weeks ago. Get them to try it all on. If it fits and there are no obvious marks, I have saved you a stressful visit to Tesco.

A Good Polish And Clean May Just Do The Trick

Look at their school shoes. Examine them. Do they look OK to you? Give them a thorough polish and clean. I bet you they will come up better than you imagine. Another expensive trip to Clarke’s isn’t required. Obviously if they no longer fit, you are free to shop for alternatives, but I think you get the jist.

This is not being tight with money or sending your kids to school scruffy. It is simply saying to yourself, ‘they look absolutely fine in the uniform they have’.

This saves you the stress and frustration of turning up at the shops to realise they have sold out of most of the sizes you require.

Better still, maybe keep an eye on your school’s social media channels with posts relating to uniform for sale.

Right, that’s the uniform sorted.

Now for the kids.

Take A Balanced Approach

Try not to panic by force feeding them too much work in preparation for their first day back. Remember they have probably had a largely great time having a break from the curriculum. If you suddenly expect them to read five books a day for a week in preparation, then you may get a lot of protest.

Ease them back into the basics of reading, writing and mathematics. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your kids. They will soon pick up everything when they return.

Going back to school can be very daunting for children. It is important to create positivity about the return. Maybe think about going out for a family meal on the day before they are due to go back? It is a nice, relaxed way in showing them summer is over; now get back to school you toe-rags!

Prepare everything a week before they head back. Know that you have no more stationary shops or supermarket visits to attend to.

Patience Is Key

Final job is to get them back into their bedtime routine. Lower screen time consumption and get them back into their normal school night routines. It may be a waste of time doing this a week in advance, so just give it a go two or three nights previous.

And most of all, expect the first morning back to school to be an incredibly frantic one. It will be rush rush rush.

Try and be patient with yourself and the kids and simply laugh through the adversity of the dreaded first morning school run.

It will be fine…

Children With Autism – What You Need To Understand.

Posted on by softwarepartner
August 22, 2019
3 minutes

Children With Autism – What You Need To Understand.

Autism Spectrum Disorder is a vast spectrum and presents itself in many ways. What can you learn when working with children with autism?

Children With Autism Are Complex

After entering the childcare industry over 6 years ago with very little knowledge or understanding the autism spectrum, it felt wrong that I had reached adulthood without possessing any concrete information about the very complex condition.

Six years later, I have gained a real awareness of how many children and their families are affected by Autism.

My first role involved caring for children and young people who were diagnosed to be on the ‘severe’ end of the spectrum. It was very hard to gain a perspective on what to expect. It was a real eye opener.  There I was, on day one – having my first real experience of seeing children who were rocking back and forth; flicking their fingers vigorously in front of their face; who would make strange noises at random moments; who would repeat words back to me.  It was a little unsettling at first, because I did not know how to communicate with these wonderful people, and they did not know how to communicate with me. If it was puzzling for me, it was 100 times more puzzling for them.

Understanding & Communication Is Key

To be able to communicate with children on the spectrum, you first need to be able to understand them. I needed to figure out why they covered their eyes with a blanket; or why they touched every object they passed. Imagine standing back-to-back with someone you know, and then getting them to draw an every-day object without saying what it is. This will give you perspective of how crucial it is to be able to communicate. There are other ways to communicate of course: Finding alternative words to use and using other senses.

To the uninformed person, covering your eyes could be portrayed as rude. For children with autism they may cover their eyes because there is too much going on around them to be able to process or cope with. They may be close to breaking point, therefore an ability to shut out their often-extreme senses is a necessity, and a coping mechanism in avoiding potentially challenging behaviour.

Be Realistic

When a child or young person reached a tipping point in being unable to control their emotions, it was hard for me to witness because I had never been in a position to see it before. Their behaviour can be manifested in many ways – and were usually random and totally out of the blue. Why? I often questioned whether I had caused it. They were fine a minute previously. Yes, they may have been seemingly fine, but children with autism have a proverbial jug inside their heads. Everyday occurrences we all take for granted can take longer to process – which can consume huge inner effort and resources. If this jug fills up and spills out – their ability to function decreases. Jugs could spill at any time. And I needed to understand this.

Nothing Beats Experience

Workshops and reading books on the subject are great, but I learnt 90% about autism by being with the children daily. It is about observing, playing, chatting and laughing together.  This approach has been invaluable in increasing my understanding.  In-turn, it helped me provide the children with the best possible care and attention they needed. With the combination of ‘on-the-job’ experience, self-research and professional development, it became a lot easier to understand children with autism and the challenges they, and their families face.

Its The Simple Things That Count

For children with autism, it is important to remember the small things because this is what they may need for their ‘jug’ to reduce. Simple things, like remembering they may need extra time to process everyday events we all take for granted – such as a request to tidy up the toys. This may take 30 extra seconds to process and therefore action, than somebody not on the spectrum. It may even take an hour. The important thing is to not bombard them with too many instructions all at once. They require patience from others for an effective two-way communication channel to exist.

Children With Autism Can Provide You With Priceless Moments

Entering their world is joyous and challenging at the same time. The awareness of the spectrum disorder as a whole is slowly gaining the attention it deserves thanks to the great work that charities such as Child Autism UK does. Just being able to connect with children with autism and having a little say in developing the lives is priceless.

Sleep Deprivation – The Curse of New Parenthood

Posted on by softwarepartner
August 19, 2019
3 minutes

Sleep Deprivation – The Curse of New Parenthood

Becoming parents means getting used to sleepless nights and an overwhelming sense of tiredness. Putting in place some sleep deprivation strategies can help.

 

Sleep Deprivation With One Misplaced Footstep

The floorboards creaked, and I could have cried. Rookie error on my part and I was about to pay – big time. The room, which had been silent for around 45 minutes, was suddenly filled with wracking sobs. They weren’t mine.

My 2-year-old daughter went from a sleeping, angelic vision to a howling, whaling banshee with my one misplaced footstep. Game over! I picked her up and started the whole routine again. It took another 30 minutes for me to get my sorry self out of the room and downstairs. Of course, by that point, I felt exhausted. I stared at the pile of washing, my newborn baby in his moses basket, the dirty baby bottles that needed washing and sterilising and tears began rolling down my face. I felt a little bit broken, and I hadn’t even started my inevitable sleepless night with the baby.

A ‘Sixth Sense’ And The Sleep Deprivation Continues

She had given up drinking milk from the bottle at 6-months-old, so we had to make up baby porridge with formula – hardly as comforting as a bottle and not as conducive to dropping off to sleep quickly. I’d gotten into the habit of holding her hand as she laid in her cot and I don’t know how she knew, but every time I made for the door, she would wake up. It’s ok when you’ve only got one. It’s horrendous when you’ve got two and not comfortable doing it while sitting on the floor with a newborn in your arms either! However, when she finally slept through me creeping out of her room, she slept through the night and for that I was grateful.

Sleep Deprivation Is Tough And Unavoidable

We continued, and it was something that remained that way until she was well over 3-years-old. By the time the new baby was two, I had it nailed and was able to sleep through too. But those first four years were tough. Utterly exhausting. My carefree twenties seemed a million years behind me, and I often felt like a former version of myself. It’s well known that sleep deprivation is bad for your health, and typical effects include feeling bad-tempered, moody, sometimes depressed and unable to cope.

Ask any new parent how they are and within the first two minutes of conversation you will nearly always hear the words “I’m exhausted” (or a variant of, such as knackered, shattered, done-in, tired all the time etc.). New babies, toddlers and sleep do not go together, and thus, all parents have to find coping strategies and sleeping tips to deal with the total exhaustion that hits us all.

How To Cope With Sleep Deprivation 

Coping strategies that have helped many new mums and dads include:

  • Getting to bed as early as you can
  • Indulging in self-care where possible (hot baths, proper food)
  • Napping. Whenever possible
  • Drinking coffee to keep you going but also drinking loads of water if you’re breastfeeding
  • Exercising. General advice says to exercise, but I don’t know how anyone can realistically fit this in in the early days
  • Cutting out all non-essential tasks like cleaning the windows and sorting out the Tupperware drawer
  • Asking for help and accepting it when offered.

Always A Heated Debate, But I Decided To Co-Sleep

And the big question; do you let your baby sleep with you? The NHS advice is not to co-sleep, and they have some excellent tips here to help you find ways to get your baby to sleep. I have to admit that when I had my third and fourth babies (and only 16 months apart), I co-slept because otherwise none us would have slept and it was the only way we felt we could cope with the sleep deprivation. The plus side of co-sleeping is that everyone gets the rest they need, and the bonding is fantastic. The downside is they want milk much more often, you never have sex anymore, and they might well be in there for years! It is essential to research the facts about SIDS (Sudden Death Infant Syndrome) before you do make any co-sleeping decisions.

Ignore Opinions And Do What Feels Comfortable For You

Becoming new parents means getting used to sleepless nights and an overwhelming tiredness that is unlike any other.   Sleep deprivation needs proactive management, so take the best care of yourself you can and focus on the well-being of you and your baby. There’s nothing wrong with hand-holding your baby to sleep or letting them fall asleep on you if it means that you all get a great night’s sleep afterwards. Do what feels comfortable for you, for you know your needs and those of your baby the best.

Asking For Help, Is Not a Sign Of Weakness

If it all gets too much, ask for help. Family, friends, doctors and health visitors should all respond positively to help you. It is what they are there for.

Fatherhood – 4 lighthearted changes when becoming a father

Posted on by softwarepartner
August 5, 2019
3 minutes

Fatherhood – 4 lighthearted changes when becoming a father

Fatherhood Aha. Where do we begin with this little life-changer, eh? Is your first baby arriving imminently, and you are feeling a tad apprehensive about becoming a father?

So, your first child is approaching faster than your brain can process, correct? Are you sweating a little? Anxious at the thought of suddenly becoming responsible for a helpless, tiny version of yourself? Don’t fret. You will be fine. I promise.

Well, firstly you will be correct in feeling these things. This is perfectly normal. Remember fatherhood, this is a life changing event and one of which is your prime responsibility. Kind of like the responsibility you had as a kid when you were left in charge of the pet rabbit whilst your mum popped to the shops for milk.

Sleep Is A Thing Of The Past

If this is important to you, please book yourself on to a retreat and sleep for the three months leading up to the birth. Non-stop. Please don’t, your unborn baby and partner will need you.

“But I love my sleep”. I hear you say. Let’s begin with the bad news. Unfortunately, sleep is the one single thing I can promise you to say goodbye to after you become a father. I can’t sit here and tell you that you will sleep eight hours per night, in a blissful scented utopia of your bedroom, without disruption. Nope. It is not going to happen I’m afraid. As soon as your baby enters the world, its own internal body clock will be all over the place. It needs to re-adjust to life outside the womb. So, expect the first few nights of fatherhood to be a complete washout for you and your partner as you try and align the baby’s sleeping pattern with your own. Once this has been established, the baby will still disrupt your sleep as they will need feeding through the night. In Layman’s terms. YOU. WILL. NOT. SLEEP. MUCH.

Fatherhood Changes Your Sense Of Smell

This is a real eye opener. Or nose opener. Depending on which way you look at it I suppose. There will be a time during early fatherhood where you are greeted with your first soiled nappy to deal with. When you do, your nose (and eyes) will undergo a sudden biological transformation. You will have been introduced to sights and smells you thought only existed in hell. Trust me. These soiled nappies can end entire civilizations.

The Social Life Of A Father

Yes, this will take a hit. It is inevitable. But that doesn’t mean you can never spend any time with friends or family ever again. Just not immediately after the birth. Once things have calmed down, you will be both deserving of a little break to catch your breath. Just don’t expect to be in a Las Vegas casino with your mates for a wee while yet.

Wearing The Same Socks Twice

If you are a male who takes pride in their appearance, this could cause you to hyper-ventilate a little. There will be a lot of washing. I mean lots. But you may find there isn’t enough room in the washing machine for your pants and socks just yet. You may have to wear them again I’m afraid. But don’t worry, your baby’s nappy needs changing again, so you better focus on that for now.

Yes, fatherhood changes things. In-fact your whole life is about to change. But as overwhelming as it may seem, think of it as your life as evolving. You are entering your next chapter becoming a father. It could be the best yet! And you may decide you want a second one.

‘F’ Bomb Dropped, Pardon My French Will Suffice?

Posted on by softwarepartner
July 31, 2019
3 minutes

‘F’ Bomb Dropped, Pardon My French Will Suffice?

What you say in front of your child matters and if you don’t mind your language, then they can often mind it for you!

 

The F-Bomb Had Been Dropped And The Cake Was Just Served

My 4-year-old child had just dropped the F-Bomb. “F**k Off” The silence was deafening. I did not know what to do or where to look. I’d have coped, quite honestly, if I had been in a room with some old friends, but I was having a tea and cake date with a new mummy friend and her child. She had gone to the trouble of making a vegan cake, with a side of non-dairy whipped cream and along with her child was dressed beautifully. My house was immaculate, and I’d put my lipstick on. We were not at all at the level of friendship where it’s ok if you have baby sick on your shirt and your kid is covered in snot. It was the beginning of a new romance, and best efforts were being made.

It Was Game Over After The ‘F’ Bomb

She was winning, and I was very definitely losing. As I went into scolding mummy mode (“What did you just say? Where did you hear that word?”) and my new mummy friend went into polite British person mode (“It’s ok; honestly, it’s fine.”) the cake and tea were forgotten, and our date quickly broke up. They left. We exchanged texts where I apologised again, and she said everything was fine…again. It wasn’t. I have not seen her since. We had been frozen out.

The Hunt For Answers

When something like this happens, you need to reconcile it. The first questions:

  • Where did he hear the swear word from?
  • Did he know what it even meant?

The answers were that he had not heard it from hubby and me, but from our teenage son. There was relief that it wasn’t directly our fault, but equally, a frustration that through closed doors, my 17-year-old was swearing on the phone with friends and had dropped the F-Bomb. The action from that was to educate the 17-year-old.

It’s A Bad Word And Bad Timing

Of course, my little boy did not know what he was saying – he was repeating. I simply wished he’d chosen a different time to do it, like when we were all alone in a messy house with no-one to impress.  My approach was to gently tell him that the word was a bad word that some grown-ups use – but that they shouldn’t. I told him never to repeat it, and that was the end of it.

It Wasn’t To Be

The fallout with the new mummy friend wasn’t particularly upsetting but filled me with curiosity. Why couldn’t she understand that he was only 4-years-old? I knew that she knew me well enough to know that I was not the kind of mother to casually swear in front of the kids. It bothered me that she wasn’t open-minded, but I resolved that my child would probably have done something else, further down the line, that would equally have offended such as not correctly sharing toys, rugby tackling her kids or telling her that the vegan cake was disgusting. Some relationships are just not meant to be!

Kids Have A Talent For Recalling Things Like The ‘F’ Bomb

Having reconciled ‘F-Bomb-gate’, I have concluded that all kids have a much higher ability to pick up on conversations than we give them credit for. They can drop you in it time over time (telling the teacher how much you love wine) and more often than not, it’s pretty amusing. They have a brilliant capacity to remember and recall and thank goodness they do. When my son started accurately singing Blondie songs in the bath, I was very proud indeed!

Do As I Say And Not As I Do

It is not, however, pleasant or socially acceptable to hear small people swear or drop the F-Bomb and so, as adults, we must try our best to set a good example. I heard, recently, on Radio 5 a debate on this very subject and the overriding consensus was that kids know that adults swear, but they also know that they are not allowed to repeat those words. It’s a case of ‘do as I say and not as I do.’

A Balanced Approach To Swearing

If ever you find yourself in the middle of an F-Bomb drama, remember that it will never be the child’s fault. Most adults swear and most kids over-hear. Be kind to all concerned, forgive, create a policy for the future and move on. If everyone concerned is not as reasonable as you then also remember, you don’t need friends who judge or criticise. Parenting is already hard enough!

Shared Parental Leave – Adjusting To Fatherhood Takes Time

Posted on by softwarepartner
July 12, 2019
3 minutes

Shared Parental Leave – Adjusting To Fatherhood Takes Time

It was a relief to see the UK government acknowledging the importance of fathers in a new-born’s life by introducing Shared Parental Leave in 2015

Two Weeks Is Not Enough

Two weeks. That was all I had with my first born. Two weeks. Then back to work I went, as if nothing had ever happened.

But things did happen. I was a father for the first time. Like my wife, I had to adjust to becoming a parent.  The abrupt change to sleep patterns; the intense focus on the baby; feeding; changing; cradling; comforting and everything in-between – including a merry-go-round of emotions. And yet at the time I was only entitled to two weeks paternity leave. No time at all, considering half of this time was spent at the hospital.

My wife was recovering from a caesarean section and I was faced with leaving our house for work. How could I? We as a family were not ready for one of us to head back to work.

For me there was no extra entitled paid leave on offer, nor was the recently introduced Shared Parental Leave scheme; so off I trudged. Parent guilt begun.

Six Months Off For Shared Parent Leave – Really?

For our second, I wanted longer with my baby, so I decided to use an extra two weeks of my annual holiday entitlement – a holiday it most surely wasn’t. But it was two weeks which was required in order to bond with my baby and support my wife in her second c-section recovery.

I had one month off. Which helped us as a family unit tremendously. But what about having up to six months off? Shared Parental Leave was introduced in April 2015 by the UK government to encourage a more gender equal view on parenting in the workplace. Too often new mums have been forced to choose between baby or career and fathers expected to return to work as soon as possible. It can only be a positive thing by creating a society where mothers and fathers are viewed as equal in the upbringing of their children and in the workplace arena.

Every family has a unique set of circumstances, so this idea would’ve provided my family with an option to support one another more effectively during those early months. Unfortunately, I missed out on this initiative by a few years.

Sad To See A Low % Of New Fathers Taking It Up

Sadly only 2% of fathers are taking up this relatively new Shared Parental Leave scheme. But why? Reports suggest it is simply un-affordable. Both parents are eligible to share up to 50 weeks of parental leave – 37 weeks are paid at £139.58 per week or 90% of your average weekly earnings, whichever is lower. Is it any wonder such a low % is taking this up?

Another reason is the simple fact that employers are not promoting the scheme to new fathers as well as they should. And instead fathers are just assuming that the traditional two weeks is all they are entitled to. And baby’s and families are missing out on priceless time together. There is clearly room for improvement for the scheme to evolve further; only time will tell whether more fathers will take this up.

Every father has a different outlook on fatherhood, but for me personally it was vital to be physically and emotionally present during those first few weeks and months. I wanted to bond, help my wife in her recovery,change those nappy’s and see her first smile.

My employers at the time respected this and accepted a flexible working request from myself. This meant my hours were altered to allow me to be at home with my family more.

My advice to new fathers is to speak with your HR department well in advance of the due-date to discuss your options as a father. You may be surprised at what is on offer, particularly in light of this new Shared Parental scheme being introduced by the government.

Helicopter Parenting, Guilty As Charged

Posted on by softwarepartner
July 11, 2019
3 minutes

Helicopter Parenting, Guilty As Charged

I may just be a tad guilty of having been an over-protective parent. I never realised that focusing on your child has an official term – but it does, and it’s called Helicopter Parenting.

 

Hovering Over The Kids

Helicopter Parenting – so named to describe parents that hover over their kids.  This term was first coined in 1969 and entered the dictionary in 2011. In essence, if you over-parent, over-control and/or try to over-protect your child, then you are a helicopter parent. I’m guessing that the hundreds of times I’ve delivered ‘left at home’ homework into school constitutes over-parenting!

The Helicopter Might Be Part Of Your Parenting Style

As with everything in life, there are parenting style extremes. Full-on helicopter parenting is typically not executed by most parents. Instead, aspects of helicopter parenting can sneak unawares into our everyday routines.  It’s a good idea to be aware of the signs so we can quickly course correct. None of us gets this parenting business 100% spot on, and that’s ok. No need to beat ourselves up but rather to be aware of the issue and how we can rein ourselves in if we start displaying some of the characteristics of over-parenting.

Taking that forgotten reading book into school, making your 12-year-old’s bed, not allowing your kids to climb trees, sorting out their playground squabbles and doing their homework are all signs of being over-protective and hovering a little too much. Controlling your child’s friendship groups, their downtime and their environment are also classic signs. Child psychologists advocate letting our children fall (physically and metaphorically), fail and experience some of life’s difficulties, so they become strong, confident and well-adjusted teenagers and adults.

The Triggers

We often show signs of hovering or helicopter parenting because we, ourselves, have some issues we may need to deal with. Some of the trigger points that can cause us to over-protect our little ones are:

  • Peer pressure – keeping up/emulating what other parents do or appear to do (and often assuming that they are correct!)
  • Anxiety – feeling troubled as a parent can be transferred to our children, and can lead to over-protecting them to soothe ourselves
  • Fear – linked to anxiety. If we project our concerns (which can be exaggerated and distorted) onto our child, then we prevent them from falling and failing
  • Over-compensation – if our child has experienced upset/trauma/ill-health then we can overcompensate by hovering over our child and stifling them rather than simply looking after them

I Was Over Compensating

When I look at the above list, I know for a fact that I over-protected my kids because I was over-compensating. Twelve years ago, I became a single mum to a 4 and 6-year-old.  My immediate reaction was to wrap them up in cotton wool, which I duly did. I wanted them to feel safe and happy, and I decided that moving to a new country, changing schools and losing a full-time parent at home was all too much. So, I over-compensated, and I hovered like one of those helicopters. I did absolutely everything I could for them with the honest belief that I was being a brilliant parent. As time passed and life became more manageable, I did calm down and reverted to my previous style of parenting.  A style that is not bound up in anxiety, fear and the need to make everything perfect.

The Consequences

Life is not perfect, and kids need to experience that. The moral of the story – even if we do get it wrong, we can change course, and all will usually be well. However, if we don’t recognise that we are hovering too much and continually over-protect or over-control (even if our intentions are good and stem from love and the natural nurturing instinct), the consequences of over-stifling our children can be:

  • Decreased self-esteem and confidence
  • Low-level life skills
  • Higher anxiety which can lead to mental health issues
  • Inability to cope with life’s disappointments and rejections
  • Increased level of self-entitlement

No One Said Its Easy To Let Go

These adverse outcomes often manifest in the teenage years.  Typically when life for our children is already chaotic due to roller-coaster hormones, school and exam pressures.  A period when the difficult journey of transitioning from a child into an adult also occurs. If our over-parenting is derived from anxiety or fear, then it might be worth seeking help for ourselves so that life becomes more positive and assured.

It’s not easy to let go.  But it is easier than living with a 17-year-old who lacks confidenceand feels that the world owes him a living.

The next time your kid forgets her homework, let her take the rap. The short-term pain will be worth it in the end.  At the very least, it will save you having to drive back to school a hundred times or more, because it’s unlikely that she will forget it again!